Making online dating a lot more female friendly.
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Total Precipitation : 0. Weather Alerts. Or heck, maybe even love. For context, I'd spent the majority of my adult life in Vancouver, a city that locals know as legendary for its dismal dating scene. For those who haven't spent time in lotus land, the chief complaints from straight-leaning women are that men seldom make a move or pick up on flirtations.
Across the city and the gender spectrum, the word "date" seems to cause an allergic reaction.
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Instead, Vancouverites often "hang out" with their new friends for months, or even years, in undefined relationships aimed at lowering the emotional stakes but invariably leading to mismatched expectations and hurt feelings. But the end result is the complete annihilation of anything resembling romance. Case in point: one friend had a guy offer to sell her a beer at the end of their date in exchange for bus fare home. My summer here was one of plans kept, doors opened, dinners bought and, most importantly, a sense that some real effort had gone into trying to make me feel special.
I'd left the coast behind and moved back to Calgary for a guy — potentially for keeps — only to have the relationship torpedo as soon as the ink was dry on our one-year lease. I was devastated for months. But as I contemplated returning to the dating scene, I consoled myself with memories of that one charmed summer. I wondered if my limited experience of dating in Calgary was the rule rather than the exception. Is this city really a better place to find a mate? From a strictly demographic perspective, Calgary is a good place to be a woman looking for a man, confirms matchmaker Barb Sim, who has run a matchmaking business in the city since Calgary's demographics favour women, she said, simply because there aren't as many of us here.
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According to the last census, Alberta is the only province in the country where the gender balance skews more male than female, thanks in large part to the resource-based economy which, until recently, relied heavily on trades and other traditionally male-dominated fields. As a result, Sim said, men have had to up their game in order to compete for a smaller pool of prospective mates.
And, in this city at least, that often means relying on some traditional gender roles that could be considered either charming or outdated, depending on your perspective. Partly because it seems like a throwback to the stifling gender norms women — and men — throughout the developed world have been vehemently working to dismantle in the wake of MeToo; and partly because I found I really liked this old-fashioned expression of courtship.
In fact, it's one of the things that made dating in Calgary so appealing: guys in this city will do things for you like open doors, pick up the tab and give you their coat when you're cold. In researching this story, I asked several women about their feelings on the role chivalry should play in dating in Most agreed the topic is fraught with confusion. For women reared to strive for self-sufficiency, finding yourself wooed by displays of traditional masculinity that, these days, are often paired with terms like "toxic" can make you feel like you're selling yourself short — if not selling out the entire sisterhood.
And yet, absent a new and widely agreed upon dynamic in heterosexual dating, those traditional gestures are still loaded with meaning. Lending a coat is a far cry from denoting a man's ability to be a good partner long term, but it does tell you he at least has a base level of concern for your physical comfort. It's a good start. Because at base we should all, men and women, be looking for a potential partner's capacity to demonstrate care and concern for our emotional and physical well-being.
And in a world that still socializes men to do that through financial or physical means and women through emotional and, often, domestic labour, traditional gender norms still act as a guiding star. The trouble is, in , the same gestures that might signal romantic potential on a date can also be interpreted as a red flag in a mate. It's a question in the back of many women's minds when they're dating.
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It's never totally clear from the outset whether the guy buying you a drink truly understands that it doesn't buy him access to your body — or your time. And you just don't know if the man holding the door for you does it because, deep down, he also holds you in lesser regard. Of course, this is not just a Calgary thing, but this city's tendency to promote a certain veneer of stereotypical manhood can put the question of men's motivations into particularly sharp focus.
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Conference manager Janel Snider, 35, had similar misgivings about the dominant strain of Calgary dude she encounters. For the trained opera singer, finding someone she really clicks with has been a challenge since moving back to Calgary from London, U. And then there's another group of men who, to me, were very meek, very docile men who were very sweet and gentle and calm and kind.
As a self-described loud, dominant, feminist, Snider, who grew up in Cochrane, says she feels the latter group can't keep up with her feisty personality — they tend to defer to her rather than engage.
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The former seem to represent an inherent clash of values — she's never totally certain whether they see her as an equal or a conquest. To confuse matters further, one of the greatest difficulties in modern dating has to be that women — at least the ones I know — are looking for men who see us as both.